The enemy hit me in the same place he always strikes, the soft underbelly of my identity. He knows it’s an easy target—squishy and unprotected. Given this, I shouldn’t have been surprised by the ferocity of the attack. But I was. I was taken aback by the sudden, jolting power of emotions unleashed inside me.
One minute I was reading a book, and the next I was crying. It felt like I was having an argument with myself, a losing argument. A series of thoughts spewed out like water from a burst pipe. Each thought was an angry declaration, fatalistic and uncompromising. They were in bold letters in my head, fat, black font with exclamation points at the end.
The venomous thoughts were nothing new, they were simply repackaged. They originated from the same dark place. The devil had stepped into my mind. Instead of pushing him away, I rolled over like my beagle does when she’s been bad. Defeated and defenseless, I just lay there under a thunderous cloud as it unleashed on me piercing rain.
Each word finally honed to nick, slice and then gauge into my flesh. My skin folds back and dark blood gushes forth unchecked.
— Aww… are you feeling lonely, little girl? Well that’s because you are alone. Always have been, always will be.
— No one cares about you. You have no friends. You can cry all day. It’s like a tree falling in an empty forest. No one is going to hear you.
— Your problem is you expect things to be different, but why is that? You’ve been like this your whole life, sweetheart.
— Remember when you were eight years old standing on the playground by yourself? The other girls didn’t like you. Remember the proms that came and went, the boyfriends you never had?
— People don’t like you. They didn’t like you then, and they don’t like you now.
Lastly: Where is your God now? Seems to be MIA doesn’t he?
The whole thing lasted maybe 30 minutes, but it felt like hours. Days. Exhausted, I succumbed to a fitful sleep and a sense of unremembered but unpleasant dreams.
And then something happened. As suddenly as I had fallen asleep, I awoke. Just about an hour later, my eyes opened. My heavenly Father told me I was ok. He said I had been spiritually attacked but had victory through Him.
He told me to pray. Deep inside I knew I was on the other side of it now. It was the knowing that comes from communing with God, the glorious and indescribable assurance that He is there with me no matter what.
It’s like this internal device that tells me what to say, when to be silent, what to avoid, when to be brave without my realizing it at all. The wisdom of the Lord Jesus Christ guiding me. If I just listen to him, I will not falter. He has paved the steps for me. All I have to do is follow them.
Just a few hours after the devil’s attack, the Lord dismantled him piece by piece. He showed me every lie and replaced it with the truth. His truth, the only truth. In his loving, gentle and protective way, he reminded me to put on my armor every day. I had not done so that day, and I left myself vulnerable.
Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8
And then he led me to make this list:
What I think/Satan’s Lies What is true/God’s truth (scripture)
I AM ALONE. I AM NEVER ALONE.
Aww… are you feeling lonely, little girl? I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you. Hebrews 13:5b
Well that’s because you are alone.
I AM UNLOVED. I AM VERY LOVED.
No one cares about you. You have Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you. Abide in My love. John 15:9
I AM UNWANTED. I’VE BEEN ADOPTED BY GOD: I AM HIS CHILD.
The Spirit himself testifies together with our spirit that we are God’s children, and if children, also heirs—heirs of God and coheirs with Christ—if indeed we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him. Romans 8:16-17
I AM DEPRESSED & HOPELESS. I HAVE ALL THE HOPE I NEED.
Your problem is you expect things Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe
to be different, but why is that? so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Rom 15:13
You’ve been like this your whole life.
The next morning, the Holy Spirit led me to this scripture from the apostle Paul:
Therefore, so that I would not exalt myself, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to torment me so that I would not exalt myself. Concerning this, I pleaded with the Lord three times that it would leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. 2 Corinthians 12:7-9
Thank you for my thorn, Father, for my weakness, my brokenness and my fragility. You have blessed me with a tender heart, soft and yielded to you.